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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

In The Light Of Morning

I hope I don't sound dreadfully tired. If I do, it's because of guilt. Bria isn't sleeping at night. I feel guilty because I wonder if it's her way of carving out time with me. She clings to me and cuddles which is not in her nature. It's very sweet but it makes up both grumpy by about 3 o'clock. Add to that, I can't figure out the new mouse Ray installed and I'm forced to ask for help from a 10-year old; it's fall break the big girls think it's cool to stay up late and don't realize how it effects them the next day and well, at 8 when I send them to their respective rooms, I'm ready to go to mine. Posting at nine in the middle of a sleepover and everything that happened yesterday probably wasn't my brightest idea. In fact, maybe I need to reread that last post. I hope it was mostly pictures.

Now that it's morning and my caffeine has kicked in there are a few things that I forgot to tell you. This week, I got to finally see the sweetest little baby boy, just home even though he is almost 2 months old and still hasn't reached his due date. I told his mom that hearing his strong little cry made me feel warm all over. I can't wait to see how he grows. Speaking of growing, Jack has gained more weight in the last three weeks than the little early bird weighs. His mama has been praying for my Jack and I so appreciate it. She is clearly a prayer warrior because when we left China, I was ready to call on another mutual friend to see how fast I could get him in an eating therapy group. I'm sure we are looking at lots of therapies, eating isn't one of them.

I love my email conversations right now. One such friend recently mentioned the post where I said I am just ordinary. What she sent, made me smile because she seemed to know just how I was feeling. I replied and said after the airport can be difficult. I knew it but it's hard to talk about if other people haven't adopted. I hadn't much more hit reply than I read a post by Jenna at Many Colored Days. (Seriously, this mouse is irritating the life out of me. So I can't hide the link without highlighting the entire paragraph. I hate technology but I love my phone. I see another post!) So here is the link.

The original after the airport post is not Jack. Things are different with Jack because he moves like a toddler but in some ways communicates more like an infant. You've already read about my poop fiascos and Jenna is right, I never know where to point his boy parts. He doesn't know how either. The downstairs bathroom reeks of bleach because in my mind it's better than the alternative. Jack wants us one minute but yesterday, we had to stop by an open house. I don't think he would have cared one bit if I had left him there.

There are moments when he is so irritated and mad at me that I wonder if he will ever forgive us for taking him away from everything he knew. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around but I'm starting to see that familiar seems better to him than better does. When you break it all down, being loved and asked to love in return when you haven't known that is hard. Not knowing what his past was like is hard because I can't help him feel comfortable in anything that might seem familiar. At this point, I can't say we live day by day but moment by moment. Some are wonderful others are gut wrenching hard. It's all worth it because every now and then we get a glimpse of personality. It seeps out more every day.

On Sunday I would have said we were moving backwards. On Monday, things were about the same. This morning, we're having a good day. I never want to make it seem like it's harder than it is or easier than it is, just that he's worth it.


Sharon Ankerich said...

Nailed it again~ hope I remember to write about all this when we get home. If I don't remind me! XOXO

Allison said...

You are such an encouragement! It's so easy to serve others when it's not a sacrifice to us. You, Ray, and the girls are making a huge sacrifice for Jack. When I read about poop in the tub and all the other make-me-gag struggles, I think about how happy you will be when you're able to see the difference you've made in Jack's life. I'll let you adopt me come June!

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