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Friday, May 13, 2011

The Adoption Pregnancy

I just had two fabulous days with my mom and my aunt. I absolutely love it when they show up and it's not just because we eat really, really well. They are two of the funniest ladies that I've ever been around. I seriously think my stomach muscles are sore from laughing.

There is so much to say about the end of the year. Glee, recorder, Study Island parties, end of the year ceremonies, but I feel like a cloud is hanging over my head. While I try to soak in every moment that is happening around me, I still worry because one is not here. Fair warning, funny stuff is coming but I need to get this off my chest.

This past week I was repeatedly reminded in the similarities between an adoption pregnancy and a regular pregnancy. You think about a new room. You plan, you prepare. Things don't happen when you want them too... I check a message board every couple days. There are charts and lists that make my head want to spin. One chart in particular shows all the people doing a similar adoption from the same country. It lists want point you are in the process and how many days you've been stuck been waiting for the next step. There are only two families who have waited longer than we have. We're at 65 but who's counting? A step that we originally hoped would take 30 days.

I suddenly remember a time back in 1999 when I was desperate to be pregnant. I just couldn't understand why it wasn't happening. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. Somehow it never occurred to me that when you husband is attached to an air craft carrier deploying and constantly standing watch, it's hard to get pregnant. It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant, even people who didn't want to be. I was happy for them. I went to the showers.  I was always feeling a little sorry for myself. Was it something I had done?

Now, today, I'm watching those charts. This time, it's almost harder because I have pictures in my hands of a little boy who doesn't look very happy in a place that is not known for being wonderful. Last week someone got their LOA in only 25 days. Still, we wait. Is it something I've done?

Yes, I'm irritated for my own sake but I'm irritated for his sake too. It's hard to plan for when. It's hard to plan for the three who are here. Then, this week something else happened. Stefanie from Ni Hao Y'all shared that one of the daughters that they just received and LOA for had passed away before she even met her. You'll remember I told you about the giveaway to raise money for her adoptions.

Stefanie's looking to share with people who have walked this pass for her. Unfortunately it happens. Children die in orphanages every day. While I was thinking about her grief, I couldn't help but think about losing Jessa. You plan, you pray, you assume you'll be blessed whether it's a pregnancy or the adoption process then it doesn't go the way you think it will and your world is rocked. As disappointed as I am that I'm not jumping up and down announcing that we finally received our LOA, I'm grateful that I'm not in Stefanie's shoes. It's hard to grieve for someone that you love so much but barely know. Please pray for her family.


The Putthoffs said...

My mom told me I was the hardest pregnancy/delivery of all the kids. Hang in there!

kim said...

Praying for you!!

Glad the headbands made it there.. hope they make an appearance on your blog soon, hehe!

Amy said...

I am so with you. Glad I found your blog - I'm amy.ocker on RQ. Hope you hear your LOA news tomorrow (and me too!)

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