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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

It's My Mid Life I'll Crisis If I Want To

Yesterday, I referenced a midlife crisis. Yes, there are days when I seem to be in full on mid life crisis mode. This past week has be worse than others. Feel free to skip this post if you would like. It's time for some full on blog therapy once again...

We planned a trip to Disney World with some good friends. The navy planned something else. We had to cancel the trip. We had to find something to do with our time share. So, today I'm packing the kids up, driving through the tunnel or actually over the out of the way bridge to take them here and here. We are going to have a vacation 45 minutes from home because this time next year, I'm not going to want to drive the 16 hours back. I thought it was a pretty good plan even if this was supposed to be our big vacation year. There are a few things I didn't count on...

This is the same time to went on vacation last year. That was bound to bring up all sorts of memories. It was a very nice vacation through Biltmore Mansion and the Smokey Mountains. We managed to recreate the summer vacations of my youth. I was also pregnant. I was buying up maternity clothes from the outlets and wondering if I would need little boy clothes instead of all of our pink. I was imagining a full car for our next vacation and a full house. I envisioned the completion of our family.

So much has happened since that time. Even with Jessa gone, I thought for sure I would at least be pregnant again by now. Clearly I'm not. Believe me, I can't keep my mouth shut about stuff like that you would know. I'm left with an empty feeling but I'm perfectly happy with my 3. I know it doesn't make sense. As happy as I am watching Bria turn into a firecracker toddler and Arleigh and Hanan seeming to become little women in front of my eyes, I still miss something and probably always will.

As usual, this is getting long. So, I'm thinking about last year's vacation and how that was probably our happiest time with Jessa and on Sunday I was surrounded by babies that would have been close to Jessa's age. A talking little almost 5 month old behind me and twin four month olds in front of me. Seeing other people and their children never really bother me, but this did. I had myself a little mid-life crisis pity party. Big Time! Right now, everyone of you should be feeling very sorry for my poor husband.

I'm over it, yes. It brought up questions that I had been asking myself. Am I trying to replace Jessa by adopting? I don't think so. I can't deny part of our home feels empty though and I think it always will. Am I looking for signs from God so hard that I'm seeing the wrong thing? Maybe.

Just ask I think God has opened a door, it seems to shut. I will share with you that one door that I thought was slammed has cracked open. I thought our adoption options were limited because we needed a newer certified copy of our marriage certificate. Have you ever tried to get anything from the Jamaican government? I gave up. I walked away from it. I just received an email from Jamaica. They have our certified marriage certificate. I just filled out the paperwork to get certified copies of everything. They're not here yet. But it's a step in the right direction.

So I'm off to pack for four days of surprising good fun. Did I mention the girls have no idea what's going on? They don't. They know we're planning something but they have no idea what. I'll be away for a bit. You can look for pictures this weekend.


Lisa said...

Have a relaxing time away. (((hugs)))

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I am thinking of you...with lots of hugs too!

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