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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Still No Answers

I just wanted to write a quick note. I've had a few, okay, 4 people ask me if we found anything out about Jessa's passing after all of our tests. There were many. Honestly, I don't know if those 4 people read this. At least one does. It's something that I really don't do well talking about. So, I don't know that it's appropriate but I'm going to let you know here. That way, if someone asks, I can say, "read the blog."

Sunday night my doctor called, she had all the test results and she wanted to talk to us. She left the hospital before I could reach her. Monday she was in surgery all day. Last night after a day of waiting, I got the call. There was no conclusive reason for Jessa's death. Her heart was healthy. Her brain and lungs had progressed just fine. There seems to be no reason.

I'm supposed to take comfort in this. It's not something that I did or that Ray and I passed on to her genetically. At this point, it would be easier to hear that it was my fault. It's supposed to be good news because odds are good that it wouldn't happen again. Those odds are the same odds that will make me crazy if we go through another pregnancy. On top of that, my wonderful doctor and friend is waiting for orders to Guam. Last night I was ready to tell Ray to pack up the house. I can't imagine having another baby and Ingrid not being there.

All that said, I'm okay. I'm only sad and maybe mildly crazy. The thing that bothers me most is that Jessa will soon be forgotten to everyone except our immediate family. It also bothers me that Arleigh and Hanan get upset if anyone brings up her name because they are afraid I'll cry or be upset. There is no tangible evidence of a life that was with us for a very, very short time. Even though we didn't get to meet her, she is part of our family. I don't want people to be afraid to ask me about her.

I don't plan on anymore sad posts. I'm done with that. Ironically Bria's birthday seemed to pull me out of the funk when I left the hospital. Today is Arleigh's birthday, more on that later, and I am pulling my way up. She wants to go to Cheesecake Factory tonight. It's a crime to be sad when you're eating there. If that's not enough, Hanan is an elf in the musical at school tonight.

I have to take the car back to the shop, make 6 dozen cookies, drop off snowman donuts for Arleigh's birthday, clean the house, do a few thousand loads of laundry, pick up Hanan and J.T. while Arleigh is at an SCA meeting and somehow squeeze in some time working for the church. I'm too busy to feel sorry for myself. I don't want you to feel sorry for me either.

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